


I Could Love You Different (But Still I Am Glad)

by nea134



Category: Original Work
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Bisexual Female Character, Camping, F/F, Gay disaster, Hopeful Ending, Lesbian Character, Mention of alcohol, Stargazing, semi-unrequited feelings, useless lesbian
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-24
Updated: 2019-10-24
Packaged: 2021-01-02 13:22:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,517
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21162344
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nea134/pseuds/nea134
Summary: A group of friends studying abroad go camping. Two friends break off to stargaze away from the light of the campfire. One confesses feelings for the other, together they ask what happens next.





	I Could Love You Different (But Still I Am Glad)

**Author's Note:**

> Betaed by: MagicIsABlueWish.
> 
> I wrote the setting and dialogue about 6 months ago. I decided to expand it further into a full piece a few weeks ago. I kept making edits after beta though so remaining errors are on me. This isn't based on a real place, real people, or a real situation. Any similarity to real life is coincidental. Except for the general situation of falling for a friend and trying to figure out where you go from there, because that tale is as old as time. This is just some expanded dialogue I thought up while I was trying to figure out how to process my own feelings for a friend.

They lay nestled in the grass, an empty bottle of wine nearby, as the wind stirred. It brought with it the scent of fire and the murmuring laughter of their friends and classmates from the other side of the hill. Partially wrapped in the blanket they had spread out beneath them, they stretched end to end, with their heads upon each other's shoulders, gazing at the stars above them.

Sara quietly stirred up her courage, breathing deep to try and quiet the anxiety fluttering in her stomach, to soothe the fearful ache in her ribs. Holding all the courage she could muster under her breastbone she broke their companionable silence.

"Kate?"

"Hmm?"

Sara's courage fled, cold fear flooding her arms and slowly reaching down to her toes.

"Sara? You okay?" Kate craned her head up, trying to get a look at her friend.

"We're friends, right? After everything we've been through this year, we'll still be friends when we go home?"

Kate lowered her head back to Sara's shoulder, "Of course we are, why would you doubt it?"

"Because there's something I need to tell you and I don't want to lose that."

"Why would you? Lose my friendship?"

"Because I want to tell you a small thing that's part of a larger thing I need to tell you, that I didn't choose and don’t know how to change, but I'm scared to tell you ‘cause what if you take it badly? ‘Cause this could change how you look at me and I don’t want you to think less of me or dislike me for it, and I don’t want to make you uncomfortable around me, but it’s not fair to you to keep this secret.” Sara's nerves bubbled through and turned her explanation into a bit of a babble. She was glad her friend had experience following her nervous rambles, ‘cause she felt she might actually be sick with nerves this time.

Kate's brow scrunched, propping herself on her elbow to take a serious look at her worried friend she waited in hope that Sara would look at her.

Sara finally tilted her head far enough to look Kate in the eye and Kate could see the effort Sara was putting into not bursting into tears over whatever had her so scared of this conversation.

"Sara," Kate whispered sadly.

Sara scrunched her eyes shut with a stuttering breath, forcing two tears to track down into her hair.  
Kate gently settled back into the blanket, giving Sara the space she needed to talk without feeling like she's being stared at. When both their heads were supported by each other’s shoulders once again and Sara's breathing was back under control, she gently pressed their cheeks together, making no comment on the tear track still on Sara's.

"Sara, I would never dislike you over something you can't control. I don't know what this is about or what I'm going to think about it, but I do know that. And I promise that whatever it is I can talk it out with you."

"You promise?"

"I promise that I won’t run away. No matter what you confide in me I’ll talk it out with you tonight. You’re still Sara, you’re part of our crew. You are my friend.” Kate gently pressed her last four words, trying to balance her need to emphasize them with not scaring Sara further by making her think Kate might be mad at her.

Sara paused, the worst of her anxiety melting away for the moment. "I’m going to sound like an idiot after all this buildup."

Kate shook her head against her friend's. "Never," she whispered with a gentle fierceness.

Sara tilted her own cheek back against Kate's, bumping their noses together. 

"You have very kissable lips."

"…Thank you? Is that what you wanted to tell me?"

"Like I said, a small thing that’s part of a bigger thing. Let it sit for a minute."

"Oh," Kate breathed her realization. "So that talk by the creek…"

"Bingo. How’s that for being a useless disaster gay? Ask for advice and confess to having a crush on a friend who you don’t want to lose as a friend to the friend you have a crush on."

"Sara…"

With the truth finally out Sara just kept going, "And I’m not even that subtle about it apparently. Allie knew before I told her, I’m pretty sure Jackie knew before she left at the end of first semester, I don't know how many of the others could see that I was falling for you, trailing after you like a lost pup. And that’s not even what I want! Ugh! I shouldn’t say this, this is too much at once. I’m sorry."

Sara turned her face away, unable to control her tears or the tremble in her voice.

Kate paused a beat, not sure how much to press. "Sara, finish your thought, please. For me."

Sara turned her head back. Pulling in a stuttering breath, she held it until she felt she could breathe without gasping, "I know it’s impossible but if it could be, I’d want to be your partner, your equal. And I just don’t feel like I could be that for you."

"First the fact that you feel that way, that that is what you want, an equal partnership, I think speaks volumes about you as a person. But also, what do you mean impossible?"

"I mean, I mean you already have Chris, and you can see something with him even if it is casual right now, and even though we all fly home in a week you’ve said multiple times that the idea of dating someone from our study-abroad group, with as close as we all live, feels weird. I don’t expect anything out of this, I’m not trying to push you about anything. I just, I’ve been thinking about this for a long time and I wanted to tell you before I had to keep it silent forever. I couldn't go home feeling like I'd missed my chance to say anything."

"Would the Sara I met at the airport in August ever have admitted all this?"

Sara chuckled wetly, "Definitely not. The Sara you originally met would’ve let herself wallow in silent misery and what-ifs for the rest of her life before risking anything ever."

"Then perhaps we’re much closer to that equal footing than you give yourself credit for. You’ve grown a lot here. I can’t wait to still be your friend and see you blossom."

Sara looked to her crush and dear friend with a watery smile, tears again in her eyes.

Kate's own smiled turned conflicted. Coming to some conclusion she cast her eyes down as she reached up to brush her fingers against Sara's arm.

"Can you keep a secret?" she looked back up to Sara, her nerves dancing between Sara's eyes.

"Of course."

Kate's hand drifted over Sara's hair, making its way to her friend's still dampened cheek. And as they lay in the dirt of a foreign country where they’d learned to feel at home, they trusted only the stars above to witness their kiss.

Kate's hushed tone held both sadness and hope when they parted. "You still have me, I’m not lost to you. And who knows, maybe next time, I’ll be as ready to say the word love as you seem to be."

Sara twisted her fingers with Kate's, a plea that she not withdraw just yet. Her urgency tempered with tenderness and affection, Sara held Kate's gaze. "I do love you, even if tonight is all we have, even if this moment is all we get. I love you; you are my friend and just because English doesn’t give me all the right words to express how I feel doesn’t mean I don’t feel it. I love you. I love the friends I've made here. I love my friends back home. I love my parents and my brother and my cousins. English doesn’t give me the right words to express all the different ways I love and I’m not familiar enough with Greek. But I love you because you are my friend. I could love you differently if given the chance. But I am still glad if I only get to love you as my friend."

Kate smiled as her tears dripped onto Sara's shoulder. Sara kissed Kate's forehead, the weight of everything Kate's friendship means to her belayed into a feather-light press of lips.

Kate pulled her back into a second chaste kiss. No promises of next time in it, not even a hope for next time. Just a promise that whatever happened next, they had this moment and they would still have their friendship.

"Maybe in another time and another place."

"As long as I can still count you as my friend."

"Never doubt it."

Fingers still entwined, the friends returned their gaze to the stars above. Content that the future would come. For they would greet it when it did, and whatever else they may or may not become, they would always remain friends.


End file.
